Remember the Betty Crocker recipe box? That off-putting, snot-colored container from the ’70s that storied all of Ms. Crocker’s most fantastical and wicked delights?
Well, I went on Etsy and bought one, complete with the entire recipe card library inside. Here are some of the nastiest recipes I found in that thing.
1. Tuna Ring With Cheese Sauce
Tuna’s a fine shape on its own, no need to make it into a ring, everybody. And cheese sauce as the dip? Tuna and cheese is a combo that should be wielded carefully. Not like this.
2. Celery Victor
Celery Victor, a marinated celery salad invented in the early 1900s, is exactly that: a salad. This seems to be presented like an entrée, and that simply ain’t gonna cut it.
3. Fruit Platter Pie
I like fruit. I like pie. I do not like this weird raw pie made of raw fruit.
Related: 24 Weird, Surprising, and Gross Over-the-Top Foods on a Stick
4. Arty Party
This isn’t gross per se, but I do not love to eat food in the shape of bugs. I also like some hint as to what’s going to be inside a cake when I taste it, and when it comes to this thing, I’m flying blind.
5. Cream Soups — Cold and Hot
You want me to eat a big bowl of cold cream? No way, ma’am.
For more fun food stories, please sign up for our free newsletters.
Trending on Cheapism
6. Fresh Tomato Specials
This one also isn’t gross of course, but the fact that some raw sliced tomatoes are A) considered a dish and B) filed under the “Men’s Favorites” category is extremely funny to me.
7. Frozen Salads
Salads work really well the way we normally eat them. I’m not sure we have to turn them into popsicles.
Related: 8 Things to Cook With Pancake Mix That Aren’t Pancakes
8. Bologna Biscuits With Vegetables
Don’t get me wrong, I love bologna, but I think we can all agree it’s best served cold, like lunchmeat. Where even is the bologna in this photo?
Sign up for our newsletter
9. Jack Horner Prune Cake
Prunes are gross. Jack Horner, the nursery rhyme hero famous for sticking his thumb into pies that don’t belong to him, is also gross. I’m not touching anything that’s had nasty old Jack Horner’s mitts all over it.
10. Hobo Hike
What’s that doughy substance? Rice pudding? Mashed potatoes? Wrong and wrong: The recipe just says it’s just mushy Bisquick. Such a pass.
11. Curried Fish in Rice Ring
Too much going on. Way too much going on.
12. Hot-in-a-Bun
I love a hot dog as much as the next fella, but a sandwich made out of franks and celery isn’t for me. Also, maybe we should chill on the serving size. Do not serve this nightmare to 48 people.
13. Super Sandwiches
The photo on this card was so chilling, I had to flip it over to see just what was pictured here. You guessed it! Beef and egg. With a pickle the length of the whole bun. A sandwich beloved by nobody.
14. Scandinavian Fondue
Betty wants you to take that fresh seafood and let it sit in a bunch of different sauces overnight. Then she wants you to dip that fish into even more of those sauces. Maybe just make a poke bowl, eh?
15. Cucumber Cool Salads
I was not raised to love jellied salads. Some people were, and I respect that. But I am not that person, and for that reason, this type of nonsense must go.
16. Jellied Chicken Salad
What’s wrong with chicken salad? Why do we gotta bring jelly into this?
Related: 20 Bizarre Retro Dishes From Holidays Past
17. Ladies’ Seafood Thermidor
At long last, a seafood Thermidor recipe for the ladies. I’m more accepting of fish and cheese as a pairing than most people, but this is still a no for me.
18. Man-Pleasing Appetizers
And for the men? We’ve got, that’s right, a cup of broth. With some horseradish and dill. I don’t get this one at all.
19. Rag Doll Tea Party
The contents of this “dish” aren’t that gross, save for the weird, skinless peach, but it’s the process of eating that makes me feel gross. You’re gonna tear this poor girl limb from limb. At least start with the head so she doesn’t have to watch.
20. New England Boiled Dinner
So, instead of making a good dinner, you’re gonna stick everything you’re eating into the same pot and boil any semblance of flavor out of it. Got it.
21. Refrigerator Filled Cookies
Cookies are great on their own. They don’t need to be stuffed with minced meat and leftovers from your fridge, as this recipe suggests they do.
22. Saucy Twist Pork Dish
There are all kinds of vile flavor combinations in here, like ketchup and mushroom soup. If M. Night Shyamalan has taught us anything, it’s that not all twists are a good thing.
23. Ham Snacks
These are my two favorite words, but what is the deal with that creepy white loaf? That part is freaking me out.
24. Tuna Chow Mein Casserole
These words don’t belong together. Hot tuna belongs on rye bread, and very few other places.
25. Creamy Fruit Salad
Want to know what kind of dressing your fruit salad needs? It’s called lemon juice and salt. Stay away from anything else, particularly if it has a white, foamy texture.
26. Stuffed Crown of Roast Pork
This is almost there, but what’s with the maraschino cherries? Don’t make me be the one to tell you those need to stay far away from your roast pork.
