We’ve all been there, sitting at a table, minding our own business, and eating food while remaining cognizant of the sensibilities of those around us. Then, someone does something so vile, ill-advised, or bizarre while eating that just finishing your meal becomes a Herculean task.
From loud chewing to messy finger-licking, many things people do while eating make everyone else at the table nause. Here are 15 things you shouldn’t do while eating that no one else has the guts to tell you to stop doing.
1. Chewing With Your Mouth Open
An oldie but a goodie. No less an authority than your own mother surely told you to keep your mouth closed while you’re eating, and she told you early and often. Sadly, despite everyone receiving similar tutelage, it seems like it only stuck with about 50% of the population, and the rest of you want to show us what your partially masticated fare looks like in all its glory. If you’re reading this, you should know it already — stop doing it.
2. Slurping
Soup, noodles, drinks — whatever it is, slurping is acceptable once or twice during a meal, and only if it’s an accident that’s quickly followed by both a grievous apology and a sincere pledge never to do it again. Anyone who fulfills that criterion sadly often ends up doing it again anyway, at the same meal. Still, we appreciate the momentary ego boost we get from someone apologizing to us.
3. Licking Your Fingers
Napkins. Napkins. Napkins. If you’re eating and don’t have a napkin, go into the kitchen and get one. Do not lick your fingers under any circumstances. Finger-licking is acceptable only if you’re on top of Mount Everest and your last napkin has been torn from your hands by the howling winds.
4. Smacking Lips
The sound of lips smacking might be one of the most maddening ever. It is truly incredible to encounter an adult person who engages in this horrible activity because you would have thought the hostility of everyone around would have made the smacker get the hint. Of course, many smackers have been told over and over again by numerous people in their lives to stop it, and they keep doing it anyway.
5. Tapping Your Cutlery on the Plate
Tapping your fork or spoon on the plate is as enjoyable to those around you as being locked in a recording studio and listening to a drummer hit his snare once every second for an hour. You could say it’s like a drum solo no one asked for, but no one asks for drum solos anyway.
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6. Excessive Sniffing
A quick sniff is fine. Two are okay, also. But by the third sniff and any subsequent ones, you begin to resemble a paranoid lunatic trying to find evidence that you have been poisoned. Just get a royal food taster like a normal person.
7. Sipping Drinks Loudly
That loud, slurpy noise when someone’s sucking the last bit of their drink through a straw has only failed to annoy us once, when Jules (Samuel L. Jackson) menaces a criminal contact by finishing the soda he bought from Big Kahuna Burger in “Pulp Fiction.” If you are not a hitman looking to settle a score on behalf of your criminal employer, please refrain from this very irritating activity.
8. Commenting on How Those Around You Eat
Some people fancy themselves behavioral psychologists and find no more captivating aspect of someone’s personality than how they eat their food. They will notice if you hold your fork in your left hand or your right. They will observe that you seem to be chasing the food on your plate counterclockwise. They will perceive that you don’t use mustard. And they will comment on that during the entire meal. If you are this person, let us be the best friend you ever had and tell you to stop.
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9. Letting Out an ‘Aaaaaaahhhhh’ After Every Sip
Letting out an “aaaaaaahhhhh” after every sip is so odious that it was featured as a central plot element in an episode of “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” If that doesn’t impress upon you that it’s a hateful practice that you must not engage in, look at all the dagger-eyes you’re getting from everyone around you every time you do it.
10. Performing with Yes in 1973
In 1973, Rick Wakeman, the keyboard player for British rock group Yes, was not enjoying being on tour to promote their latest album, so he and his sequined cape ordered a dish of very spicy chicken curry and started eating it while the band was onstage performing, much to the chagrin of his bandmates. Hey, if you can make it through all 20 minutes of “The Revealing Science of God,” you might want a snack too!
11. Arguing
Heated discussions and capocollo don’t mix, despite the many scenes in “The Godfather” that might have us believe otherwise. Nothing good can come of it – at best, you’ll be showering others at the table with partially munched deliciousness that you could have swallowed instead, and at worst, you may create a choking hazard.
12. Driving
People always do this and will never stop, but it’s worth throwing on the list anyway. There is no better way of ruining a meal than trying to drive while eating it. Furthermore, there is no better way to ruin a leisurely drive than by dropping your microwave nachos into your lap while you execute a hairpin turn. Park your car, hold your head high, and eat at a booth at Waffle House like a civilized person.
13. Using Power Tools
Whether it’s a drill or a saw, keeping all your fingers intact is probably more important than finishing that slice of pizza. Although if it’s Patsy’s pizza in New York, hey – you still have nine other fingers.
14. Performing Surgery
If you’re holding a scalpel and are before a patient’s open skull, put that sandwich down! Delicate surgery, particularly on a complex organ such as the human brain, requires the utmost seriousness and concentration, so you want to be on the cutting edge. And let’s not even talk about what would happen if you accidentally spilled some hot sauce in there!
15. Theft
This is the practice of just taking food off the plate of the person next to you without their knowledge or consent. Even people with law degrees who can cite all kinds of estate law principles will suddenly forget about the concept of private property if they might get another chicken nuggie out of it. Push their greedy hand away with great force, and in so doing, you will acquaint them with the concept that possession is nine-tenths of the law.
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